9 Signs You’re Addicted To Heavy Metal
How Many Can You Cross Off This List?
Okay, for the record, heavy metal addiction is real. We’re not sure if you’ve heard but in 2015, Swedish doctors have diagnosed this certain guy and that makes it the first official case EVER. The perks? He can wear whatever he wants (yes, even an all-leather ensemble) to work, play songs while on the job and the best part is, he’s allowed to take time off so he can go to concerts. Nope, we’re not kidding.
Actually, that has nothing to do with this list. LOL. We just wanted to waste your time on not-so-random facts. But anyway, we rounded up some tell-tale signs that you’re a HUGE fan of heavy metal. And no, it’s not just about wearing black muscle tees with a band’s name (whose music you don’t even listen to) scrawled on the front. That’s just for posers.
9. When you’re going to a concert and you can’t decide which of the 100 black shirts you ought to wear.
The same thing goes when you’re attending family gatherings. It doesn’t matter if it’s summer or winter, that’s a staple clothing. You just can’t do without them. We don’t really know where this began but it’s a lot like the birth of heavy metal – it was just there one day. Besides, a plain black shirt is the best outfit you can wear at any gig, trust me on that. Although you have to remember that it’s tacky and absolutely silly to don on something that has the band’s name on it (the one whose concert you’re attending). I know some people think it’s a great way to show their undying love and support to their favorite musicians but this isn’t the rule you’d want to break. So to be safe, wear plain black shirt – it’s not like you’d have any shortage. Even if it’s laundry day, you’ll always have a spare one.
8. When you don’t know your monthsary dates but know all the words to ‘Helter Skelter.’
Who would have thought that it’s the Fab Four who will give birth to heavy metal? We all have Paul McCartney to thank for it because he wanted to create a rock ‘n roll sound that’s as loud as it can possibly get. And if you know the lyrics by heart then you know this is a part of metal history right here. It was an attempt to outdo The Who’s “raunchiest, loudest, most ridiculous rock ‘n’ roll record” and it made us so glad of Paul’s competitiveness – I mean, if he didn’t feel challenged, he wouldn’t have made the prototype for heavy metal sounds and you and I will probably still be at a loss without this music that has become the very definition of our existence. Alright, that’s a bit overly dramatic but you get the point. I know you do.
7. When people say Brian Johnson is AC/DC’s original vocalist and you’re like “You know nothing.”
Brian Johnson is amazing – a musical genius and with great range to boot. He’s definitely a league of his own and while he wasn’t there during AC/DC’s first wave of success, he helped the band solidify their place in rock ‘n roll which is why they’re now considered rock gods. But then, as a die hard fan, you know he wasn’t the original lead singer. And it’s not even Bon Scott too, though he was partly responsible for propelling AC/DC into international stardom. Okay, Dave Evans was the first vocalist and if you’re a hardcore metal fan, you’d know this. You can probably even tell the difference in their voices although some will say that Bon and Brian sound almost the same. Nonsense. That’s a lot like saying Bruce Dickinson and Alice Cooper have the same vocal range too. That’s another thing, by the way, a real metalhead will never ever make those mistakes. No, sir.
6. When you can easily read band logos.
It’s illegible to some but it’s so dang beautiful to you. It’s as if their music isn’t already a work of art, they have to add incredible graphics to the mix! It’s perhaps one of the most easily recognizable quirks when it comes to heavy metal. It’s always ornate and sometimes can be so hard to decipher. Whether it’s Anthrax’s pointy logo or Korn’s childish scrawl with a backwards ‘R’ (almost reminiscent of the horrifying ‘RED RUM’ scene in the 1980 horror film ‘The Shining’), a metalhead will always see the beauty behind the artwork. Even Slayer’s clean and angular letters still ‘sound’ brutal and harsh – like you can tell the music’s genre and what their songs are with one look at their logo. And it goes without saying that the use of comic sans is a mortal sin. Go home to your bubblegum and unicorn pop music if you even think that’s remotely acceptable.
5. When you pose for photos and flip the devil’s horns like a reflex.
It’s like the international sign for the brotherhood of metalheads. That’s how you behave in front of the camera. And when you see other people doing the peace sign with matching pouty lips, you just feel like knocking off their teeth or more subtly, just a quick punch in the face. But you won’t do it because you don’t want to prove them right – that heavy metal fans are always up for a fight. LOL. While some may think it was Ronnie James Dio who came up with this, actually that’s not really true. It’s been around a long time – think about it, it was referenced in Bram Stoker’s famous book “Dracula” which was released way back in 1897. Dio popularized it and even said, “It’s not the devil’s sign like we’re here with the devil. It’s an Italian thing I got from my grandmother called the ‘Malocchio.’ It’s to ward off the Evil Eye or to give the Evil Eye.” Hear that, neighbors? Metalheads aren’t devil worshippers.
4. When you’re most prized possessions include boxes containing old metal magazines and vinyl records.
These are more than just your collection. They’re a huge chunk of metal history! You know what else is great about the metal magazines in the ‘80s? They weren’t cheesy. They don’t talk about celebrities picking up their pet dog’s poop or eating tacos at a local diner. Hit Parader and CIRCUS are some of my favorites – most of my allowance probably went there if there was no new record coming out. One of the things I liked was when they had these bad ass feuds like, “Who Rules Heavy Metal? Judas Priest vs. Iron Maiden” and of course, all the complete and exclusive stories with color photos. When it comes to these stuffs and my records, I’m a hoarder too just like all my metalhead friends. You know that feeling you get when you see something that reminds you of your younger days? Well looking at these magazines do that to me every single time.
3. When you rant about artists trying you rip you off with their merchs but you still buy them anyway.
It’s like losing your voice and having hearing problems after a night of pure heavy metal bliss aren’t enough, you lose your money too. Remember those concerts when you go there thinking you’re just about to indulge in great eargasmic music then you come home with a bunch of stuff you don’t even need? I once woke up with a leather jacket I didn’t recall buying. But anyway, even until now, heavy metal bands are still doing it. Mötley Crüe has a line of sex toys, Metallica has Italian suits priced at $7000 each, and AC/DC has beers and energy drinks – yes, you can whine and complain all you want but if you had the money, I bet you’d probably buy them without a moment’s hesitation. Truth is, Iron Maiden can sell ballers at 50 bucks and fans will still buy it. Heck, if Slash will auction a strand of his hair, I’d probably join the bid. Lol!
2. When you got scared and overwhelmed the first time you heard Black Sabbath with Ozzy Osbourne but after watching The Osbournes, you were left confused.
He’s the ‘Prince of Darkness’, a heavy metal god and one of the most outrageous frontmen ever. You put him on a pedestal, he’s weird but we like it. Even after his crazy stage antics like biting off the ear of a live bat, it didn’t matter. He had a great voice, he was making amazing music. This man is a legend! Then you heard he was getting his own show, you get skeptical and think “It might be okay.” At one point, you probably got excited because maybe he’d show some of their backstage craziness and wouldn’t that be fun? An inside look into Ozzy Osbourne’s life would make any Black Sabbath fan giddy with excitement. So you watch the first episode, then the next until you realized it would be better if you just stuck to his music. Don’t worry, buddy. Even his most faithful followers and fans feel the same way.
1. When you don’t bother with a camera at concerts because it’s either the music’s way too good or you’re busy headbanging.
Besides, there are pit monsters everywhere and it’s no longer just a gig but a heavy workout as well – chest bumps here, half punches there and a bunch of pulling and pushing. Now you know why people describe metalheads as always violent and forever angry. But hey, it’s all part of the total experience right? You see, there’s nothing more annoying for any gig-goer than having people block their view because they’re recording videos that no one will watch. Let’s face it, unless you have the proper gear and you’re a pro at taking shots, then it will likely be a crappy clip. Keep in mind that you can never bottle up the live experience, the adrenaline rush you get when you’re jumping and headbanging to the songs. If you’re just there to record everything, you’re not a real fan. I suggest you move over so the real metalheads can show you how it’s done.